Former Dead or Alive Producer Tomonobu Itagaki announced on Monday in a packed conference room, regardless of his lack of creative direction in the upcoming Dead or Alive 5, he will be releasing downloadable content in the form of freckles for the female combatants of the game.
“I don’t work for Tecmo and I didn’t work on the majority of this game. However, Dead or Alive 5 is a game I envisioned to have optional freckles for the female characters,” he said during a press conference today.
A member of the press asked Itagaki why he would independently produce content designed to enhance a product published by a company he was currently suing.
“This will give the player the option to give more depth to the characters of Kasumi, Hitomi, and even Kokoro,” he opined, then guffawing into his microphone. “I just think freckles are God’s gift to men”.
“I am also suing [Tecmo's] President,” Itagaki affirmed before erupting into laughter. Regaining his composure he remarked “Freckles are great,” before chortling for an uninterrupted two minutes.
“The combatants of Dead or Alive include Ayane, Helena, Hitomi, Leifang, Christie, Kokoro, Lisa, Tina, Sarah, and Kasumi and all of them lack clusters of concentrated melanin on every single one of their faces. Freckles are passed on genetically, however, and the addition of freckles could conceivably disturb the cannon of the series as Dead or Alive 2 revealed that none of the characters had fathers with freckles.
Tecmo refused to comment on the situation.
After collecting himself, Itagaki took another question from the press. The question was, again, about his motivation for creating the Freckles DLC. “This is what I was put on this Earth to do,” he snorted before once again falling victim to his own shrieks of laughter, convulsing for the short remainder of the conference.
Crazed whoops of laughter could be heard in nearby parking structures. The downloadable content was not given a price or a release date.
Piki Leaks reports often, but not accurately, and is an experiment in video game satire. Confused? Irate? Email firstname.lastname@example.org