E3′s just a few short days away, and with rumors abound, I thought ‘d use one of my hidden talents to give you a preview of what’s going to go down on the show floor.
You see, as a youngster I was granted video game-centric ESP by some sort of witch or something. Anyway, below I’ve listed some of the stories you’ll be seeing during the length of the show this coming week.
EA Charging $15 for Access to E3 booth.
In order to cut down on waiting times and “reward loyal fans” EA will be putting a $15 entry fee on its booth on the show floor. An EA rep will be quoted as saying that those opposed to the idea are “entitled” and “straight up douche bags.”
BioWare Announces Romanceable Tanks for C&C Generals 2
Amid the cries from marriage defense activists, we’ll see BioWare’s plan to implement man-machine relations into their upcoming Command and Conquer title. “One of BioWare’s biggest strengths is our ability to tell gripping, emotionally engaging stories.” I foresee BioWare co-founder Ray Muzyka telling interviewers “We think there’s something beautiful about a man in love with his machine companion. Also, just think about the resulting fan fiction.”
Kinect Learns to Read Button Presses
Microsoft’s Kinect just continues to learn to read our more subtle movements. With an update this fall, it will now be able to read the buttons you press on your Xbox 360 controller, and with an input lag of a mere 500ms. Of course, with this update, the controller’s function will become redundant, and they will now just act as a prop for your Kinect to scan, with no real interaction with the console itself.
Kinectimals to Pop Up In-Game to Give Advice
Kinect isn’t the only service becoming smarter. Microsoft is building upon its Clippy tech to bring you dynamic help messages brought to you by those lovable Kinectimals. “Shoot that guy” a fuzzy tiger will say. “Your health is low, do you have any health potions or food?” an elephant will ask. Of course, integration will be a mandatory part of any game developed for the 360.
Nintendo Scraps Wii U Tablet Controller, System to Use Vitality Sensor
Unable to overcome the issues with their tablet controller, Nintendo will instead be switching the Wii U’s primary controller over to the previously announced Vitality Sensor. Apparently, everything will be controlled merely by your heart with progress on the screen happening in time with its rhythmic beating. Get your heart beating and your character will do better. Stop your heart, and your character will die.
New Zelda Game to Be Developed by Ninja Theory, Star an “Edgier” Link
After what Nintendo deemed a success with Metroid: Other M, they’re experimenting with handing their big franchises off to other developers. The next on the list is Ninja Theory’s take on the Legend of Zelda. Simply titled LoZ, the game will see an adult, chain-smoking Link embark on a mission to save his ex-girlfriend Zelda, who’s been captured by his old gang, the 13th Street Hoods. He’ll have to come to terms with himself, his drug addiction, and his love of wife-beaters in order to save the woman he still cares for.
New Social Feature for PSN, Access Any Member’s Credit Card or Social Security Number With a Mere Button Press
Never lose track of your friends again! Sony will announce their new social service, PlayStation Dox, to the public. Exclusive to PlayStation Plus members, the service will allow subscribers to see extra content on a player’s profile. Information such as credit cards, social security numbers, and known health issues. Of course Sony wants you to get your money’s worth, so they’re pulling all of their information from federal databanks.
Bioshock Title for Vita to be a Kart Racer
Maintaining his promise that Bioshock Vita will be “Different for the franchise” and “an experiment,” Ken Levine will take the stage and announce Bioshock Kart Racing. The title will see characters from the Bioshock Franchise portrayed in an adorable chibi animation style, as they race around modified versions of real Bioshock locations. No gods or kings. Only karts.
PS3′s X Button Now Exclusive to PlayStation Plus Members
In an effort to beef up their PlayStation Plus service, Sony is now limiting the function of the PlayStation 3′s controller for those who aren’t subscribed. Freeloaders will now find that their X button no longer does anything. When asked, Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai was quoted as saying “Don’t like it? Buy a subscription.”
Mr. Caffeine Opens Fire on Show Floor
In a wave of terror, Ubisoft’s “Mr.Caffeine” will fire automatic weapons into the E3 crowd, and, thankfully, not manage to seriously injure anyone. No motive was uncovered for the rampage, as afterwards he collapsed from methamphetamine usage and a blood alcohol level nearing 1 percent. Though during the carnage, witnesses say they heard him yell the words “Doodly doodly” and “dick jokes,” as well as repeating the term “I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.” He died at the scene.
Jonathan Blow Attends E3, Maintains It’s So He Can “Bitch About it Later”
Jonathan Blow, creator of Braid, and upcoming game The Witness, will attend the show on all three days. When asked about the irony of him attending a primarily publisher-run event he’ll maintain that he still “hates the mainstream” and that he’s only “gathering info for [his] blog, so he can bitch about it later.” He’ll also be quoted saying something faintly anti-Semitic.
Gabe Newell Eats Peter Molyneux
The last, and likely biggest prediction I have is a doozy. Gabe Newell is going to crash the E3 after party, unhinge his jaw, and devour Peter Molyneux in one wriggling bite. A note left at the scene by Gaben maintains that it was for the good of the “Game Dev Machine”, and that in order to make a game like Half Life 3, the world have to “make sacrifices.”
As you can tell, this E3 is shaping up to be something magical. From cannibalism to fanboy tears, we’ll be witnessing history in that little convention center in LA. Be sure to tune in next week, as Piki Geek will be providing coverage from the show floor, and you wouldn’t want to miss a single scream of agony, would you?